i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
