It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
