Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
