I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
