It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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