omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
stop calling my apartment porn island.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
