The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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