Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
