i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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