I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
