Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
