I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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