True but thats because hes a fetus.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
