Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
