Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
