the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
