they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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