So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
