Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
