I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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