I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
