Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Randomize
