I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
