well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
