I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
