I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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