I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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