just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
