Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
