I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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