i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
