so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
