dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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