I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
soo... how was my night?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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