Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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