I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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