You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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