this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
