There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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