You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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