watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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