Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
