Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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