I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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