Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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