this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
All I want is dick and wine.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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