recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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