Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
