I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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