He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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