part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
