just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
