Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
