Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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