Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
