theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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