KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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