two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
