she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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