Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
