At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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