I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
