there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
